A Revelation about the life of Admiral Von Lurkerhausen

No one in the freak army knows me that well. I am a fairly new member. I am also a fairly private person. My reasons for not talking about what i'm about to, well, talk about it, is that i've been judged by so many people in a bad way for this. And i don't want to keep being judged like that... I'm sure you'll see why i didn't post this on a public forum like PBS.

On March 27Th, 2008. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Her name is Mackenzie Bree. She is now adopted by a wonderful family that i came into contact with, through an adoption agency while i was pregnant.

When i first learned i was pregnant, the father told me to get an abortion. My brother told me to get an abortion. Most of my friends at the time told me to get an abortion. I was going to. I even had an appointment set up. I knew i couldn't raise a baby by myself. I can barely take care of myself. I have crappy job and am on a quest ( have been for awhile) to find a better one. I'm always, ALWAYS, worried about rent and food. My life has always been a struggle. I've been homeless twice. I don't have anyone here to help me take care of a baby. I have no support. I couldn't bare the thought of having to leave my baby with strangers while i go back to work after a few weeks off. I couldn't bare having a baby suffer with me.

The day came for me to get up and go have an abortion. I didn't even get out of bed. I couldn't do it. I had a life growing inside me. I knew it's heart was already beating. I couldn't do it. I couldn't kill it.

I went to work the next day and my friend and partner at work, Glenn, knew something was up with me. ( Glenn is another story that will be saved for a different day!). I told him i was pregnant. He told me, i don't think on the same day, that i should find an adoption agency or lawyer. Glenn's two younger sisters were adopted. I started to think about it. How could i give up my baby after carrying for 9months though? But the more i thought about it, the more it felt right. I talked in depth about it to my mother, who agreed it was the best decision, being that she wouldn't be able to care for the baby either.

I found a wonderful agency, American Adoptions. Who set me up with a wonderful specialist, Sara. Glenn helped me pick a family from dozens and dozens of profiles. They were told about the baby, just after christmas. When i talked to them on the phone the first time we all cried. =)

We talked on the phone every week. I found out a lot of weird similarities between me and the adoptive mother, Michelle. Almost as if this was meant to be. They came to meet me, a month before the baby was due. And then they were here when i gave birth.

I had named the baby, Bree. They named her Mackenzie and asked if they could use Bree as her middle name. I was very very touched.

I was able to spend four days in the hospital with Kenzie. I kept her in my room with me the entire time. Perhaps not the best choice. But i wanted every moment possible with her. I fed her, i changed her, i burped her, i just held her and stared at her.

I signed over my rights at the hospital on the last day.

Her parents took her from the hospital. I made sure that we all left at the same time. I stood outside and handed her to her new dad, Robert. They said, " Thank You. Remember, this isn't goodbye, it's see you later." Both of them hugged me and kissed me. Then we climbed in our separate cars and i watched them drive away.

I was in agony.

I've never felt such horrible pain in my life. I thought i could die from it. I hurt so bad. I wanted her back. I truly felt like i was in hell. Sometimes i still do.

I was able to see her again, one more time a couple days later. It helped seeing her healthy and fine and her mom and dad taking such good care of her. They let me feed her and change her one more time.

We have an Open Adoption. I get pictures and letters almost once a week. On the 27th every month, Michelle sends me a milestone email update, so that i know how she's growing. Michelle and i have become somewhat close, and don't just email about Kenzie, but other things too. We email once a week.

This is really hard for me write about. In many ways. One of them is the judgement thing. People have told me to my face that i've made the wrong decision. People who have no idea about my life. The nurses at the hospital told me i was wrong to give " that beautiful baby away", and then would turn around and tell Robert and Michelle how wonderful they were adopting a baby. A girl at work actually asked me, " don't you want her?" . Another when i came back to work after being on maternity leave asked, " you kept her, right?" To which i said, "no." She burst into tears. I turned to walk away, with tears falling down my face, when she grabbed me and hugged me, and wouldn't let go for a long time. Both of us crying.

The worst thing for me is I still feel guilty. Like i could have done something more to keep her, like i couldve tried harder. Even though i know in my heart, she is in the best place she could be. She is safe, she is happy, she is loved, She wont have to worry about money, she has a mom that is now a stay at home mom ( which i looove). She has a family. And she will know that i am her BirthMom. I can write her letters and send her pictures and presents.

I see a therapist every week to get through it. I just take it, well, fuck day by day, i take it minute by minute, really. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. I cry at least once a day. But i wouldn't say i'm depressed every second. I laugh. I'm still a silly goofball...

Sometimes i'm like a robot, just going through the motions of life. But most times, i'm trying to better myself, better job, try to get an apartment, instead of renting this little bedroom, try to make a good life. I want her to be proud of me.

This has been really hard to write. But also feels good. Good to get it out. (sigh).

Thanks for reading. Admiral Von Lurkerhausen aka VenusMist